China is banning time travel. Not literally, just on television. Literally. The iPhone 5 might be coming out in September, giving it another chance to be not-as-cool as Android. Especially because the iPhone might be secretly tracking your every location at all times. Andy Samburg is going to have to jizz in his pants to some sharks this year. You guys get that jizz in his pants joke, right? Nevermidn, watch this. HBO renewed “Game of Thrones” for a second season after only one episode of the first season aired, which is good, because that episode was chock-full of decapitations and naked people. Snoop Dogg’s candy-flavored malt liquor might be encouraging kids to drink alcohol because of its hip-hop themes and awesome commercials. I was so happy just writing that sentence.

And fnally, OMFG U GUYZ, this penguin is getting tickled!