Stone Cold Steve Austin was almost on “Dacing With the Stars,” which is a shame, because he would have done the whole show in denim and then elbow-dropped someone’s kidneys. Derek Jeter is probably the least objectionable person associated with the Yankees — who everyone fucking hates anyway — but even he sounds like a super wealthy jerk in this story. A Denver man just broke the world record for diving into shallow water by jumping more than 36 feet into a kiddie pool. It sounds cooler than the video actually makes it out to be, because clearly there is some padding under the pool. I once slipped off of a curb and fell into a puddle and didn’t get any awards other than a scraped up pair of balls. Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies, which doesn’t make any sense because I burgled the shit out of eight banks last Tuesday. Glenn Beck is leaving his Fox News program, leaving a vacancy in Fox’s line-up under “crazy batshit conservative who likens nearly everything to Nazism.”

Lastly, Jeremy Renner is rumored to star in the new “Bourne” movie reboot. Making more films under the Bourne title seemed like a terrible idea, but this almost makes it sound good, because Renner is a fantastic actor.