This cat purrs as loud as a jet, which, incidentally, is the last thing I said about my ex-wife before she divorced me. The University of Illinois accidentally texted all its friends to say that there was a shooting on campus, and that that ho Becky has a big ass. You can finally see a full trailer for “Captain America: The First Avenger,” in which Chris Evans gets ripped on a totally awesome workout plan, or something. Henry Hasselbeck, son of Seatle Seahawk’s QB Matt Hasselbeck, is in the top 1% of NCAA brackets. Oh, and he’s five, and made his picks based on what the mascots looked like. Remember when Chris Brown freaked out about being questioned about freaking out and beating up Rihanna on “Good Morning America” yesterday, and tore up a dressing room and broke a window? Well, NBD, people. Donald Trump seems like a rational, not-at-all-batshit-weird guy, which is probably why he believes in conspiracy theories about President Obama’s citizenship. Lastly, some people think Natalie Portman might not have done all her own dancing in “Black Swan.” In a related story, the same people might be shocked to find out that she wasn’t really even in outer space in “Star Wars”! The Fuck? What a liar!