The TSA, also known as the touchy-feely hand of Homeland Security, has been back in the news of late. I’m not sure what TSA agents were hoping to find, but they made a 95 year old woman, who is suffering from leukemia, remove her soiled adult diaper.

This latest egregious TSA story comes on the heels of several other horrifying stories. Most notable were an invasive pat down of a 6 year old and an 8 month old. It seems people are getting more and more pissed off about the amount of constitutionally protected rights getting essentially steam rolled in the name of security. However, there are still a few completely moronic douche bags who champion aggressive groping and cancer causing body scanning machines, all in the name of security. For you, my dear reader, I’ve compiled a list of the biggest pro TSA idiots and there illogical arguments.

Whatever it Takes to be Safe
Listens to: U2- “Sunday Bloody Sunday”

Look, we all want to be safe. I would assume that most people have the goal in life of living their life to the fullest without worrying about terrorist attacks, gang war, or meth labs blowing up their sheds. That’s a fair assumption right? Why does this argument bother me? I’m so glad you asked.

You probably learned in kindergarten, that the first step to correcting any problem is to correctly identify the issue at hand. This takes a little bit of logical extension. If we say to ourselves, “terrorists are the problem and we need to find all the terrorists!” aside from being a completely moronic inner monologue and an impossible feat, it doesn’t really address the issue at its root. The issue is the causation for terrorist attacks.

Now you may be screaming at the computer screen, “George Bush told me turr-ur-ists hate us for our freedoms and I’m not giving up my goddamn freedoms for no turr-ur-ists!” First off, calm the fuck down! Second, the “they hate us for our freedoms” bit is propaganda bullshit. Get a fucking clue! Turr-ur-ists have attacked us because of our government’s foreign policy, which has included; Military support for Isreal, domination of Mideastern wealth (oil), CIA supported overthrows of governments, etc. It doesn’t justify any loss of human life, but is in fact the reason we have been harmed and threatened. I don’t want to get on a long political diatribe, but we won’t be safe until we change our government’s foreign policy. It doesn’t matter how much finger fucking, diaper checks, and asshole inspections the TSA does, we will never be safe.

Everyone gets a choice with the TSA. Cancer or fistfucking?

What’s the Big Deal
Listens to: Bobby McFerrin-“Don’t Worry Be Happy”

The, “I don’t see what the big deal is” kind of people drive me fucking nuts. You have to at some point find your line, and draw it in the sand. Your line may be an “up to the elbow” body cavity search, but my line was drawn at metal detector. The whole concept of the American government is to protect our basic inherent rights as human beings from other human beings. Yes I know there were some issues that fell through the cracks….slavery for instance….but protecting the basic rights of citizens from the government and its panicky fear mongering citizens, is the function of Constitution. People always seem to misunderstand the purpose of the Constitution. It wasn’t written to GIVE you your rights, it was written to PROTECT the rights you were born with. Just because you are perfectly contempt reading the latest issue of “Vogue” while a TSA agent fist fucks your anus, doesn’t mean that I have to put on a smile during the same type of violation, and it doesn’t mean that the next regulation that passes won’t cross “your line”.

And that’s the “big deal”. If we let aggressive pat downs and virtual naked body scanners get past our watch, what the fuck is the next step going to be? Will you be cool with a mandatory full body cavity search, or flying completely naked without luggage? Think I’m full of shit and that will never happen? What would your great grandparents say about a stranger lifting their boobs, and/or nutsacks in the name of allowing SOME people the temporary comfort of thinking they will be safe?

Hey man. Nice Dick.

What do YOU Have to Hide?
Listens to: Blue Oyster Cult-“Don’t Fear the Reaper

I absolutely can’t stand it when people say this to me. One of these days I’m going to get so pissed off that my head is going to literally explode.

I don’t care how terrified you are that you or your Aunt Sally from Spokane will be blown up during a flight. It doesn’t justify treating me, or anyone else like a prisoner to prove their innocence. For fuck’s sake, we all need to hold onto a bit of privacy in our lives, and if that mean’s you and Aunt Sally are going to have to sit white knuckled on your non stop from Denver then so be it. The exact reason that you have nothing to hide, is the exact reason why you should be fighting tooth and nail not to be subjected to obtrusive searches. Dignity > safety.

BTW, this may actually happen to me before I finish writing.

If you Don’t Like it, Don’t Fly
Listens to: Dennis Leary-“I’m an Asshole”

Let me start off by saying, fuck you buddy. What gives you the right to say that we should have some sort of one size fits all security for our airlines. If you want to be fisted by TSA George, or fly on “No Muslim Airlines” go ahead. I must be a little more sensitive than you are because that shit isn’t going to fly with me….EVER! How dare you even suggest that just because I don’t agree with ANYONE being exposed to heavy handed searches just to make people feel a little safer, that I should have to drive or take a boat. What the fuck am I going to do when they have roadside pat downs? Huh? Do you think that is not coming down the pipe? I can assure you that it will. Get a set of morals and principles and for the love of god, stand up for yourself, and maybe along the way you can muster enough courage to stand up for a 95 year old woman who has to have her diaper removed to ensure that she isn’t hiding a bomb in her twat. To be honest, I’d rather die in a fiery plane explosion than live here on this planet with self centered cowards like you. Don’t fly? Fuck you! How about you pay attention and start holding these politicians, who are in bed with these mega corporations, accountable for selling your liberties and SAFETY down the river so they can buy oil at a discounted price. Stupid selfish pricks.

Okay Everett breathe, relax, think of bunnies. It’s bunny time. Relax. Ahhhhh….

Most of us reasonable and logical people would say that there has to be a balance between safety and freedom. This is why we were born in America. At some point, some foreigner in your family thought to themselves, “I’d like-a to create-a a better-a life-a for my family-a in dis-a America-a”, despite the fact that “America-a” had a basic set of principles, “live free or die”. And, our country was founded on those principles. The founding fathers, you know John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, felt the repression of tyranny. They put their lives on the line to start the world’s greatest social experiment, where despite the fact of your religion, class, age, (not color or gender; that came later) you could own property, work hard, and create your own wealth.

Now America has become a hollow husk of what it once stood for. Yes, some of the change has been for the better, but when we allow our freedoms to be taken away so we can feel some bit of security, then we give away the very foundation of what makes this the best country in the world. In the end, we will never be safer until we force politicians to change our foreign policy. It may mean that we have to pay more for gas, but the alternative is a much higher price. And what we all want here really is to be safer while we live our lives as Americans are intended to live; free.

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