Culture
The Rapture 2011: Kiss Your Ass Goodbye!
The end is nigh! Seriously kids, May 21st begins “The Rapture of 2011”. This is the day that Jesus H. Christ will come back to earth (but probably not Kentucky) and resurrect the dead bodies of true “saved” Christians while simultaneously lifting still living Christians into the air, plaguing the rest of us with earthquakes, floods, and locusts that will sting the shit out of us…FOR 5 FUCKING MONTHS! Beat that Chris Angel!
The first time one of them shits on my car, I’m getting my slingshot.
There is a beacon of light at the end of this apocalyptic tunnel. We have five full months to party our asses off while Satan and Mr. Christ duke it out in an epic “Fight Club” style battle. And you thought Jesus was some kind of Birkenstock wearing, dope smoking, hippie pacifist!
I always knew Texas would have something to do with the end of the world.
You may be thinking; “How the fuck does this asshole know when the rapture will come?” Good question! It’s math, stupid. Sure, it’s a crazy nonsensical math, but it’s math nonetheless! Let me break it down for you:
The last time God unleashed his wrath and destroyed the entire planet was in 4990 BC. You’ve probably heard the story…Noah…big boat…two of each animal.
Genesis 7:4 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
Peter 3:6-8 Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished: But the heavens and the earth, which are now, by the same word are kept in store, reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men. But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.
It’s so obvious! In Genesis God drops us a hint. For yet 7 days. Then in Peter he gives us another hint: One day is as a thousand years. 7×1000=7000. Now you have to add that 7000 to the last time God destroyed the Earth. 4990. But that is BC so it would actually be a negative number.
-4990+7000=2010.
Now every dumbass knows that when you use dates from the Old and New Testament as equations you add a 1.
2010+1=2011 HOLY FUCK!
So now we know without a doubt (because we used math) that the year of the Rapture is 2011, but what about the actual day of May 21st. I’m glad you asked. Let’s go back to Genesis.
Math + Science = Religion!
Genesis 7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
You have to convert the biblical calendar date to a modern calendar date. The 2nd month is April/May and the 17th day is…you know what just trust me…or convert it yourself using this here.
So you might sleep with me if the world was gonna end?
So there you have it. Harold Camping, the guy who mis-predicted the 1994 rapture has finally cracked the code…with math. So starting on the 21st of May we will have 5 months to enjoy amazing group sex, mind altering drugs, looting, and probably a Thelma and Louise style crime spree. I guess we may have time to repent and give our lives over to Christ, but instead, I’m going to make the most awesome rapture mixtape. I hope you do the same and share it with me, because what is an eternity of pure love and peace compared to 5 whole months without the morality shackles of religion?
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